| i struggle with basically non-existing gender roles. i grew up thinking that i would have a husband that would take care of outdoor chores and big things and i would take care of my home and children. this would have also included my career. this is in-fact an oxymoron. although i would love to be what was once defined as the woman of the house and equal provider of the household, it is impossible. there are no more gender roles and it has now become somewhat of a goal to co-exist with your mate. we expect chivalry but are no longer providing our future household with the tasks that were once defined as solely for women. we are mostly equal and are not treated as anything delicate or something weak to be taken care of so why should men bother anymore? our secret of wanting sexual pleasure as much as they do is out. men do all that women do and men can do all that men do as well. so why do we stick to our supposed gender roles when we want to feel like a "woman".. we no longer have the privilege of referring to our frailty, but solely our ability to give birth. but now men understand what they think is having a large role in that process by providing fertilization.
our dates have become hang-outs and no longer are known as courtship but, fucking each other until it becomes a way of life and this saddens me. we are now becoming a generation of bitter women that have mostly gotten what they wanted in regards to equality. so now what? we have higher percentages of divorces and loss of religious following. we are governed by our own atheistic beliefs and are pissed about it.
co-existence isn't something i want.. i want to take care of and make my family happy but I cannot entirely take on this role in our present world. especially when i have desires and goals set for myself that end in my having a career and just about as much time for my family as my husband would have. the party is over.
this is all of course coming from the point of view of an "independent woman"..
a man has now come to decide on their first impression whether or not she is a "dependent" or an "independent" based on how we present ourselves. their instincts gravitate toward assuming that a woman dressed femininely versus androgynously is a dependent thuse opening a door for the woman or letting her pass ahead of them. or the man that sees a woman dressed androgynously tends to see her as an equal. i tend to dress femininely, contradicting a mans first impression of me. what i like about miami is that men generally tend to stick to their instincts about women and mostly disregard any changes that have happened during the passed couple of decades and treat women accordingly and come to resent the women they treated as frail and dependent beings because they now contribute to their way of life equally in mostly every way.
i no longer expect myself to have what i have always wanted/never really understood, but have given myself the proper tools to deal with my unsavory future.
men are left to resent the independent woman because that laid out plan of "this is what a woman does and this is what a man does" has now become mush... arguing about financials and the childrens education versus the two genders sticking to what they "know", causing friction in the household. it has now become increasingly difficult to maintain a marriage because of decisions that need to be come to versus decisions that would already be so clearly made by one person..
so the question is.. do i blame the modern man for his regular choice of "dependent" women in his never ending struggle to satisfy their need for order?.. no. i do not. as a child they are taught old customary ways of courtship either by their family or an outsider in one form or another and women are taught that they can be anything they want to be.. this in turn creates tension. what were our men being taught while we were being taught differently? men want what is easiest. why would i expect a man not to fear a future with me as an "independent woman" if i fear it myself? power struggles and arguments about things that used to be so clearly separated isn't something i look forward to but it is in my future if i get married.. so what incentive does a man have to pursue this kind of relationship?... it comes down to personality. and chemistry.. so you have to think is a future alongside this person worth the hardship? hmm.. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| i love it when i wake up with a whole new outlook on life. at the public library finishing up some school work.
i made up my mind about my future plans about a week ago. its going to be tough considering all of the obstacles i have created for myself in the past but this is my path. i had to learn these things for myself and I've finally accepted failures and no longer resent them.. time to move on and stop being such a dark cloud to the people around me.
next week my brother will have a script ready and I'm shooting a music video for his final project at school, feels pretty awesome to have a project again. gives me a sense of purpose in this fucked up world of mine. and on friday of next week i will be boarding a plane to alabama to shoot some footage for a web celebs coverage of a comic book convention along with tons of other footage we'll be getting. lucky for me I'm the kind of girl that drops everything for an awesome experience and I will probably be updating on this adventure throughout the weekend, seeing as how it is alabama and I'm not into heroin, special k, or any methamphetamine for that matter, lol just kidding.. I'm sure they're nice people. wish me luck! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I was watching a film that John Krasinski directed and starred in which was kind of bad... but there was a scene where he described his affair with another woman to his girlfriend.
he decides to be candid with her about it, and he describes a story the woman told him about her being raped while she was hitchhiking one day.
the man picked her up and she immediately knew what was going to happen to her and instead of pleading or crying for help she maintained constant eye contact with the man so that he would see her as a person not as his victim. he pulled over in some area and told her to lay on the ground and she did so with out protesting and embraced him as he wept while raping her and felt that she fell in love with him and him with her in that horrific moment. she laid there after the rape and realized that she had never loved until that moment. john krasinski bursts in to this heart felt explanation about how he had never experienced such beauty with anyone until he met this woman. this woman that he had deliberately conned in to bed and realized that there is no difference between him and the sex offender. he was planning on giving her a disconnected phone number and never speaking to her again. what the hell is the difference. should we call those men that con us in to bed, make us believe that there is a true connection and never speak to us again sexual predators. what can possibly be the difference? they both cause an incredible amount of trust issues and emotional damage. but you can tell a woman it is her fault for falling for his lies or hitchhiking or walking down a dark street alone. but how dare you blame us for the evils out there just when we feel comfortable enough when our surroundings. i can also say the same about a person that attempts to capture you while their heart is still preoccupied by another, purely concerned with their own emotions and forgetting that it's a person they're stepping over to surpass a sad time in their lives. men wonder about our hangups and why we so desperately hold on to the things our parents and loved ones have told us about the evils of men and certain precautions we should take. but in a world full of men like krasinski's character which have not realized how deliberately evil their actions are, what else can i do but hold my purs close to my body and question every action a man makes...
between diseases, questionable intentions, fickle hearts, and my mental instability, i don't see how I can ever date. it's just all so scary to me. i can't even begin to understand how people put themselves out there anymore. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | i walk in to the kitchen and see arroz con frijoles along with cream cheese on crackers and ask my mother what her problem was, then asked why there was a jar of jelly on the table and then she told me she put a little on it as well..... now i see where my brother gets it from. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I see a woman walking down a dirty hall way bobbing her head to a bad punk song and looking ahead incuriously at two men arguing about something not even worth mentioning. She has on a pair of Nikes she bought with her employee discount that has been scraped and torn in to pieces. Someone screams her name "Lourdes!" as she attempts to make it to the door and she politely says goodbye, steps outside, pays a Bum a dollar for watching her car in the filthy gravel parking lot and heads to what has been deemed her home. This is where she watches films, reads, unwinds after work or throws up in the toilet after what she probably doesn't even consider an eventful evening. I pitty her, because the moment I step in to that same venue, I shout the lyrics to my favorite songs, hug my friends and throw up merrily in to my toilet because I know it was the effect of an amazing night. But, sadly, she drives, rides, and walks through life emptily and expects nothing to excite her anymore. After living a life of what others think has been an exciting, she is now living in the dreams of an old woman sleeping in a casket her husband of forty years spent an excessive amount of time deciding on. What else can she do but wait 'til it comes true? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| the worst thing in the world for me is when you come to a friend or family member with a problem and their advice or passive words of compassion involve an overly simplified version of the heart felt speech you managed to drag out of your mind for someone else to hear. "its okay, its not the end of the world, it'll pass, better things to come, you'll be okay, its not a big deal"
to that person it may not seem like much, but, to me, though frequently kept at a dinner table volume is probably the most pain i have endured up until then. and it may just as well be the end of the world for me at that point. granted, i am a very emotional and passionate person, but, everyone is in their own way. empathy and common sense are just about the most scarce commodities of this world. we live our lives in complete silence as to avoid bringing any hardship onto ourselves.
..he sends flies to wounds that he should heal. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| it's my heart. i have the right to do with it as i please.
just because they don't love you back doesn't make it wrong.
rise up all who live by the rules of unrequited love. self-loathing behavior sparked by feelings of incompetency because the one you want doesn't want you back is bullshit. just be happy that you found someone out there in this shitty world that can give you butterflies. and maybe some day you can spend your life with someone who feels the same way about you. you are a miracle, your feelings, your chemistry, your abilities, your likes and dislikes.. its all just a miracle and you deserve someone that loves every inch of you.
so again, rise up and love who you are and what you are capable of | | comments: Leave a comment |
| what happened to the days when a boy you liked finally looks at you and you melt? your heart races your knees buckle and you bump in to a school budgeted clone of a trashcan.. i miss being completely consumed with thoughts of a crush, learning absolutely nothing in a class full of hormone driven teens doodling obscenities. cutting class and sitting in an empty hall with a friend or on your own reading something that takes you away.. i miss being so unsure about life that it makes you feel like it can be over at any second so you enjoy every god damned second of it to the fullest taking advantage of any opportunity or risk. never even thinking about how in two weeks from today I'll receive the same amount of money more or less from a place that I'm not that interested in, consuming most of my time and energy and getting in the way of enjoying my friends on days that could very well be my last. never did i think, while i was sitting in an empty hall reading books from gulliver's travels to sloppy firsts that, that would be the freest i will ever be in life. completely unconcerned about any bills and responsibility that i am now completely aware of 24 hrs a day.
I'm sitting in that empty hall and you walk by. you glance at me from the corner of your eye because i am an unfamiliar being in an empty hall, kind of hard to avoid focusing on.. meanwhile you have no idea that i am completely aware of you. i dont know your name i dont know who you are... i just know you. and youre the reason i can't breathe sometimes. youre the reason i can't focus most of the time and youre the reason i cant think about anything at all without you streaming through my mind in even the tiniest way.
one day you'll be someone's salvation and never even know it. i just want to be made aware of it in time to spend the rest of my life with you.
this life of ours is mostly an endless string of disappointments. full of unrequited love, foreclosures, and self-defense. but, as long as you accept and factor in life going compltely wrong most of the time and a decent form of income to rid your troubled mind of racing, horrible, anxiety-driven thoughts, life isn't that bad. I'm just glad I'm here to experience it all. all the pain all the happiness, my friends and life experiences that i wouldn't give up for the world no matter how terrible they are. they are a part of me. they have molded me in to who i am now. someone that will believe in true love until the day i die. someone that doesn't give in to what the world thinks it wants from her. someone who will resist conformity go after her desires no matter how dumb they may be. someone who chases away anyone that can hurt her because deep down she knows that she is the someone who deserves the best because she is the best and the one who will ultimately deserve me, doesn't deserve a ruined heart she decided to give a person that didn't give their all or just wasn't good for her a chance. a random person doesn't deserve me. doesn't deserve what i have to offer.
well, anywho, i get to rest the next few days :) no work til monday. im very happy to finally have some time off of that place. in a couple weeks hopefully if ronald still wants to work with me we'll get back in to his film and we can make a work of art. what a great feeling that would be. i really just want him to be happy and this film to be successful in every way that it can be. i just love pouring myself in to an artform, in to something creative, something that will give me goosebumps when the product is finally ready a sense of FULFILLMENT that is just unreachable any other way. things like this make me genuinely happy.
I'm really looking forward to my photography class this semester. but it makes me a little nervous knowing that i haven't done b/w print in a while and this is an advanced class.. i already took the other two courses and this is the final in b/w.. i just hope i can jump back in to gear and impress my professor like i always used to. nothing in the fucking world beat the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and happiness i felt when i saw people crowding around my work fiddling with their facial hair or switching around on their feet as they try to place themselves in my frame of mind while taking the photographs being displayed. those moments when i would get compliments from my professor and just minor little critiques so that my printing skills would improve slightly were the most original i have ever felt. sometimes silence is the most someone can say when they have a glimmer in their eye and a smile that says that i did something right for once in my life. "i am overwhelmingly interested in how you see the world." i will never forget my professor uttering those words as he looked me dead in the eye after i spoke about one of the photographs i had just printed the night before critique. i have the ability to make people eventually open up and allow me to take a photograph that captures who they are at that point in their life, if they let me. if they are willing to let me in to their world for just a few seconds... okay i'm done. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i'm taking two online courses and a photography class in the Wolfson campus, scary stuff!
i changed my room all around and I'm finally meeting with the lawyer that's suing the guy that crashed in to me :) i just want my car fixed!
i have five over-night shifts next week. I'm still in shock. but at least i have new yeare eve off. what a great way to spend my time off from school.
i have to say that i miss just hanging out and drinking. the places ive been going to are very loud and i dont really like getting drunk or even close to that in such public and loud places. i'd really like to do that soon.
turns out the other day with my friend michael from school was a date. i thought we were just hanging out. i would have not agreed to it if i would've known. he took me to his house to pick up our food and he works on a boat so he asked the owner if he could use it and we had dinner on the boat... i wanted to jump off. just the thought of being hurt again is sending serious anxiety and insanity coursing through my veins. he's a cool guy and all but i can't do this. don't get me wrong, i had a nice time and i laughed a lot, which i absolutely love doing and that was something i definitely have never done before, but, like i said, i can't deal with getting hurt. i just... can't do this. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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definetlylulu's journal